America 2017

January 1, 2017 | Dave Thomas

When I was growing up, America was the greatest country in the world, the shining light of freedom and opportunity, the country that brought down the Nazi Machine, the country that drew a line in the sand and told the Soviet Union that they had to stop. Kids walked to school without fear of being picked up by predators, sat in classrooms without fear of being shot by one of their angry classmates, graduated and went on to college, got jobs and participated in the American dream. Americans got in airplanes without being stripped and scanned and inflight they were served free meals by cheerful flight attendants. And somehow the airlines managed to make a profit back then. Probably because, in those days, the CEOs of corporations made more than the employees but not 1000X more. Nobody got $50 million bonuses because it was generally accepted that nobody was that much better than everyone else. There was a strong, working middle class working in America, and they members of unions that would protect them from the creeping greed of their bosses and provide for them in retirement.

Then somewhere in the sixties, it started to change. The insidious rise of the super rich began – the military industrial complex forced America into Vietnam – the first of the little bogus wars where Corporate America went “international” and got super rich and greedy. No amount of profit was enough. Somewhere back then, American banks also went international disguised as the IMF, loaning money to third world countries as a ruse to enslave them and steal their natural resources when they defaulted on their loans. The first in a series of really sleazy Presidents sat in the Oval Office – thanks to the corporate lobbyists who were now running the show. And as this all happened, Americans began to feel disconnected and pissed off. Their representatives didn’t represent them anymore. The Government passed laws to help their bosses smash the unions, take away their benefits, and ultimately drive them out of their houses. The Media became corporate and stopped telling the truth. Americans didn’t believe the six o’clock news or anything they read or heard anymore because it always turned out to be some interest group spinning their agenda.

So don’t be surprised that America is now an oligarchy controlled by the one percent. It didn’t happen overnight. It has been creeping up on America for a long time.

Mars or Bust

November 8, 2016 | Dave Thomas

Okay, instead of protesting and getting all anxious about the fate of America under Trump, just accept that it’s over for America and it’s time to get the hell out of here.

11 Ways to Build Your Own Space Program

And don’t wait for Elon Musk or Richard Branson, to it for you. Start building your own space program now! Think of yourselves as religious dissidents in 15th Century Europe. GET OUT! And don’t whine about the radiation in space you big babies! Start working on your own force fields. What? Too difficult for you? Then befriend some nerds who have the skill sets. The Quakers had to find nerds who could build wooden ships to get out of pox-ridden, religiously backward 15th Century Europe. YOU CAN DO IT TOO! My goal is to retire on Mars. See you there or not. Your call, puny Earthlings!

Bob Hope 2003

November 8, 2016 | Dave Thomas

Found this old file I wrote over a decade ago.

If Bob Hope had lived a little longer and gone to Afghanistan in 2003, his monologue might have been something like this…

This is Bobby ”Get that Bunker bomb outa my cave” Hope coming to you live from Tora Bora – Afganistan’s holiday hideaway spot where Mujahdeen families can get a luxury cave for less than $5 a day.

Yes sir! What a country! Mountains, deserts, caves, poverty, mutilated women and 24-hour a day prayer. Who needs Paradise when you can get it all here in Tora Bora.

And how about that Al Queda! Aren’t they something. Fighting the Jihad to the last man. Jihad – that’s Arabic for “I’ll believe anything some crackpot with a beard tells me.”

It’s a new kind of war, ladies and gentlemen. And we’ve all seen ample proof of that as American B52’s rain down 15,000 pound cave buster bombs on Tora Bora, F16’s strafe the mountainside with Lasar guided missiles, and our friends in the Northern Alliance shell the caves with artillery and tanks. And you can watch it all at home on your TV.

Some people have complained that watching American jets, drones and tanks chasing a bunch of guys wearing turbans and robes on horseback, looks like America was hunting down Jesus and his followers.

But in the words of Senator Lloyd Bentson, “Mr. Bin Laden, you are no Jesus”

Yes sir. President Bush said it best, Osama Bin laden is the ultimate EVIL DOER. EVIL DOER. There’s no denying our Chief Executive’s command of the language. It almost makes you forgive him for stuffing the ballots in Florida.

And our President has told us that the tape which shows Osama Bib laden taking credit for the 911 disaster is completely authentic. It came straight from an unimpeachable and totally reliable source – the C.I.A..

Bin Laden has told all of his followers that when they die in this struggle against the Infidels they’ll get 79 virgins in Paradise. What he didn’t mention is that they’ll have unibrows and body hair that makes an Afgan rug look like linoleum.

Well good luck to them. I was there for our boys in WW2, Korea, Vietnam, Desert Storm, and now I’m here in Afganistan supporting American soldiers as they fought the good fight to make the world a safe haven for America’s fine products.

God bless you all! Drive safe and remember, your heart and lungs are important but don’t forget about your glands. You know the glands I’m talking about! G’nite.